The Secret

I told you to go and you went
I told you to go and you went

this is the best thing that could happen
i always knew this day would come
you hold so much control over me
even now
when youv left me
when you havnt spoken to me
when youv denied time and time again
you hold so much control over me

i no longer know where you live
what you do for a living
who your dating or your friends with
they ask me who my best friend is and i say
I dont have one

It cant come off harsh
i wish it could
i wish i could forget you
i wish - i wish i could hate you

Two months ago i told my friend
its okay its not that bad you know
feeling this way about someone who doesnt feel it back
im just glad i can feel this way about someone
i would never wish to not feel this way
but i just want it gone
i cant take it
you hurt me soo much
i just want it to stop
please please make it stop
My angel
id give you anything
but you leave me here alone at the verge of tears
wanting to run away
wanting to my bag and escape
maybe i can catch some shipping boat
fill my bag with stolen fruit
live somewhere in europe
learn the tongue
be free escape this
just draw with charcoal pencils
and paint with ink
carry in my bag my sketcher and some soap
sleep in a different bed each night
leave before sunrise

i could do it you know
i want to do it
cant i have it one way
someone who loves me enough to care for me
or noone who cares
why why does it have to be somewhere in the middle
why do i have to care so much if i hurt them
they all hurt me

and you
your the angel im most worried about
the child i could never leave
the child id watch over if you asked me to abandon you
the one that tears me apart
because she lives
because she does what i want her to
because everything you do
every single thing - it both makes me happy and even more kills me
you my precious beautiful angel will be the reason for my demise

and of all the things to care over
that fact is the thing i care about least

Lord why do you make me love her so
why angel do you allow me to love you so

When the battle breaks

We argue We fight
You you do this to me
but its all me its always been all me
You never talk to me anymore
we used to be so close
I still love you and you still love me
Would you notice if i went away - probably not
would you care
why of course my dear it would end your world
but after a couple of hours it would be just the same
so now what
i know the truth
we care but you dont have me
and i am way past sick of trying
i am done being there when you need me
and away when your having fun
i am done i cant do it anymore
do you not realise how much this exhausts me
do you not realise how much it hurts

We fight almost constantly and i cant take it
And you whom i turn to
you whom i trust
You never talk to me
you say you care but you never have

my distant friends have been better friends than you ever have
I dont ask for you to listen to my call at two in the morning
you think i need that - foolish
I ask to talk with you
to party with you
to help you study
to pick you up from work
to randomly come visit
to go out with you
to stay in with you
I ask you to be a friend to me as you are to everyone else

but i am not that kid
the one that asks for friendship
the one that needs your pity
and for this I am done

I will not call you
I will not text you
I will not message nor will i inform you
I cant take this and I am done

Goodbye my beautiful girls
my angel
my love
my princess
my gorgeous

I cant do it - you know I wish I could
I really really wish I could say goodbye - just like that
But I just cant do it
You are my four beautiful girls
you are my angels and my saviours
your like my own kind of drug
and I just cant give you up like that
I just cant

Treehouse Living

the views of the future grasp me
holding on tight
they keep me foccused and yet distract me so
a life as i want to live it - imagine
the continued education
the feeble breaking
the terrible work and horrible dreams
the nightmares clutching
and the peaceful serenity
being one with everything - oh imagine
to be as i long to be
that world it scares me
no not the truth of it
but the injustice in what is casual destruction

the future it holds me tightly
suffocating at times
but a comfort like none before
Please please let me have it

and in the begging she returns
no not the future
just the girl im still waiting for
she can never know
I LOVE YOU
i feel im screaming the words
but iv never said them and alas i never shall
shes my completion
lust without lust pleasure overwhelmed by pain
addicted - most probably i am
but for her i wouldnt want it any other way
for can i love her so truly
if giving up the sickness i feel for her
just another dillusion
but the type il hold forever

the future it beckons
in the effereal flame of today
i hope it was enough

My Chemically Abused Doll

An angel sweeter than the skies above
This is an ode to the one i give my heart and soul

Ive wasted you away
Break free, free from my ever seeking grasp
I apologise my beauty
for being the lowly self loathing creature I am

Torment
clutching at the corners of my mind
to be lovers, to be sinners
in this perfect paralysis of passion

Her stark naked form against me
to stroke her hair in that mussed style
to kiss her lips in that pout
to hold her by the hips the way she likes
to kiss her colar bone
to hold her and tell her i love her
to not let go

My angel, my darling vision of perfection
draped in the garments you love
I cant take this being distanced from you
please dont leave

The old story

So here I am
A 17 year old vegan kid with too many addictions
Sitting on my bed, surrounded by brick walls and neighbours that are too loud, the sound is deafening, my mind cant think, my body cant function
I look around
red bull in my hand, rockstar in my bin, coffee on my desk
and scalpels in the box i hide
money applications cover my desk, scolarships and centrelink
textbooks cover my floor, assignment sheets and lab reports
too much
I look down
ripped jeans, old shirt, bandana
an apology engraved 'Im Sorry'

this is why you hate me
this is why you leave me
Your my angel and you abandon me
I look up and see the photo of you, its from the day i realised your beauty
lyrics come push their way forward
this happens all the time, you never leave my mind

Terror siezes me as I think that you are perfectly fine