My Angel

Is it so wrong that I love you so
They say these things change and life changes, time changes
They say that after everything we've been, everything I've seen of you
But my angel I am as madly in love with you as I was 5 years ago

You're my sweet erroneous path
and what I wouldn't destroy for you
But her, she is too innocent to be plagued by the world in which I find solace

In you, my angel, the trees grow
In you am I safe and whole
In you nothing matters but for the moment of masking, blinding, tragic joy

I would change my ways a thousand times
I for you will quit these filthy habits of mine
If there were time enough in all the world for us
I would give my million days just to hold you tight

So soft and tender, writhing in this sweet sorrowful abyss
Long, paused, broken
I would give for you my last haggard breath

But Angel, we all fall

Prayer to St Jude

To Saint Jude, Holy Saint Jude, Apostle and Martyr, great in virtue and rich in miracles, near kinsman of Jesus Christ, faithful intercessor of all who invoke your special patronage in time of need. To you I have recourse from the depths of my heart and humbly beg to whom God has given such great power to come to my assistance. Help me in my present and urgent petition, in return I promise to make your name known and cause you to be invoked. Saint Jude pray for us and all who invoke your aid. Amen.

Say 3 Our Fathers, 3 Hail Marys and 3 Glory Be to the Father.

Publication must be promised! I have used this prayer a few times now and it has never failed, no matter how extraordinary it sounds, it truelly has delivered miracles. Thank you St Jude

How do you do it

I'm sitting here, I should be studying
Lazing around in my pajamas, I'm going to get no work done today
I want coffee. Good morning world!

I've been thinking about all these things I want to do. I want to graduate from Biomedical Science, I want to work as a paramedic and make sure for me that I can do this, I know I can, but I need to prove it for myself. And then I want to go to med-school. I'm going to sit GAMSAT, I might fail at first, but eventually I'll pass, eventually. I want to be a surgeon, so I can be the last line of defence for someone, so I can maybe bring their body back from a point of near certain death, or maybe to hold a beating human heart, to feel that organ, the one responsible for pumping this beautiful liquid around the body. That liquid, boy that liquid is like magic, blood, the single most important thing in our survival I believe. Or maybe I want to be a forensic pathologist, speak for the dead, tell their final story, help get bad people off the street, bring peace to the living, see the human body in its most placid state, and revive in it the final hours of life, let them say the last words they didn't have a chance to.

I want to write, and draw, and paint. I want someone to see my work, whether they be the words or the images, I want someone to see them and feel just for a moment, the way I felt when I saw my favourite band step out on stage for the first time, or the way I feel when I look upon the face of one of Botticelli's angels, or the way I feel when I read a really good book. That feeling, that you're not alone, that hope exists, that you can escape for a little while, that for a moment the world makes sense. Just that feeling.
I want to let someone experience that feeling, like you're heart is exploding, and breaking, and pounding, but you wouldn't change it for a thing. I want someone to know that, and because of what I do.

You know what else I want, and I keep telling myself I don't, because I don't think I'll ever get it and that just hurts. But I'm going to say it now. I want love and family. I want to look back and know that I was loved and I loved, just the same way that my grandparents managed it. And I want to see a kid and know that I raised that kid, that they are everything they could be, that they are happy, that they had a chance, and that's because of me. And I want to look back on my life and know that I was happy. I want to be happy.

I want to be better

Welcome

welcome to the new year
welcome to the turn
this will mark the change
this will be the next rebirth
and in the words of albus dumbledoor "its about time, hes been looking terrible for days"

welcome to my new university studies
i shall miss you cqu
but i encourage your advance qut

welcome to the friends i shall make
i vow to be good to you
to be honest
and to always risk myself for friendships sake

welcome to the me who knows to save
and who is willing to spend
welcome to the me who searches
and fears not
welcome

welcome to the revolution
It starts now

Offerings of pumpkins
and anticipation for the future
xxx Kit

The Secret

I told you to go and you went
I told you to go and you went

this is the best thing that could happen
i always knew this day would come
you hold so much control over me
even now
when youv left me
when you havnt spoken to me
when youv denied time and time again
you hold so much control over me

i no longer know where you live
what you do for a living
who your dating or your friends with
they ask me who my best friend is and i say
I dont have one

It cant come off harsh
i wish it could
i wish i could forget you
i wish - i wish i could hate you

Two months ago i told my friend
its okay its not that bad you know
feeling this way about someone who doesnt feel it back
im just glad i can feel this way about someone
i would never wish to not feel this way
but i just want it gone
i cant take it
you hurt me soo much
i just want it to stop
please please make it stop
My angel
id give you anything
but you leave me here alone at the verge of tears
wanting to run away
wanting to my bag and escape
maybe i can catch some shipping boat
fill my bag with stolen fruit
live somewhere in europe
learn the tongue
be free escape this
just draw with charcoal pencils
and paint with ink
carry in my bag my sketcher and some soap
sleep in a different bed each night
leave before sunrise

i could do it you know
i want to do it
cant i have it one way
someone who loves me enough to care for me
or noone who cares
why why does it have to be somewhere in the middle
why do i have to care so much if i hurt them
they all hurt me

and you
your the angel im most worried about
the child i could never leave
the child id watch over if you asked me to abandon you
the one that tears me apart
because she lives
because she does what i want her to
because everything you do
every single thing - it both makes me happy and even more kills me
you my precious beautiful angel will be the reason for my demise

and of all the things to care over
that fact is the thing i care about least

Lord why do you make me love her so
why angel do you allow me to love you so

When the battle breaks

We argue We fight
You you do this to me
but its all me its always been all me
You never talk to me anymore
we used to be so close
I still love you and you still love me
Would you notice if i went away - probably not
would you care
why of course my dear it would end your world
but after a couple of hours it would be just the same
so now what
i know the truth
we care but you dont have me
and i am way past sick of trying
i am done being there when you need me
and away when your having fun
i am done i cant do it anymore
do you not realise how much this exhausts me
do you not realise how much it hurts

We fight almost constantly and i cant take it
And you whom i turn to
you whom i trust
You never talk to me
you say you care but you never have

my distant friends have been better friends than you ever have
I dont ask for you to listen to my call at two in the morning
you think i need that - foolish
I ask to talk with you
to party with you
to help you study
to pick you up from work
to randomly come visit
to go out with you
to stay in with you
I ask you to be a friend to me as you are to everyone else

but i am not that kid
the one that asks for friendship
the one that needs your pity
and for this I am done

I will not call you
I will not text you
I will not message nor will i inform you
I cant take this and I am done

Goodbye my beautiful girls
my angel
my love
my princess
my gorgeous

I cant do it - you know I wish I could
I really really wish I could say goodbye - just like that
But I just cant do it
You are my four beautiful girls
you are my angels and my saviours
your like my own kind of drug
and I just cant give you up like that
I just cant

Treehouse Living

the views of the future grasp me
holding on tight
they keep me foccused and yet distract me so
a life as i want to live it - imagine
the continued education
the feeble breaking
the terrible work and horrible dreams
the nightmares clutching
and the peaceful serenity
being one with everything - oh imagine
to be as i long to be
that world it scares me
no not the truth of it
but the injustice in what is casual destruction

the future it holds me tightly
suffocating at times
but a comfort like none before
Please please let me have it

and in the begging she returns
no not the future
just the girl im still waiting for
she can never know
I LOVE YOU
i feel im screaming the words
but iv never said them and alas i never shall
shes my completion
lust without lust pleasure overwhelmed by pain
addicted - most probably i am
but for her i wouldnt want it any other way
for can i love her so truly
if giving up the sickness i feel for her
just another dillusion
but the type il hold forever

the future it beckons
in the effereal flame of today
i hope it was enough